Facebook Note: Based on a True Status

Written and published to Facebook on October 5th, 2011

Hi, guys.

As you might have seen, recently I was on Facebook during a time when I intended to be somewhere else (the day was something like September 26th). I wrote a peculiar status as proof.

I didn't skip out on my duty intentionally; it was a long and exhausting night when it happened, and as I write this out I can clearly recall that feeling, that emotion which was more deep-seated than our simple interpretations of happiness, sorrow, irritation, or desire. This one belonged more with livid rage, depression, euphoria, and pleasure in its basest form.

For reasons that I will not elaborate on at this time, that night I was suddenly overcome by something that I didn't recognize. It may in fact have been an attack of anxiety. In the panic-stricken state I found myself immersed in, I found a desperation that I can relate to from earlier times and experiences that ran parallel to this one, and it translated into one thought in my mind: run for it. Unable to cope with that ice that so nearly flirted with absolute zero, I did just that. Not that I thought that physically running would alleviate the shuddering gasps forming in my lungs; one of the problems with emotional upheaval is that I find my physical abilities hindered. Worse than fatigue - even in a point of exhaustion, wherein you "hit the wall" between the time your body stops burning carbohydrates and begins to burn fats - is discouragement. When some sort of non-physical virus attacks me, it drains something much worse than calories. Infinitely worse than being iron or vitamin deficient is being hope deficient.

As I didn't know what else to do, I mustered every scrap of light I had left in me before I broke into a screaming fit, unable to cope with a monster that I wasn't sure existed. And I did what I knew was my only hope: I prayed. I called for help from above, and let me tell you... because I did that with the faith that it could be done, and would be done... I know I was answered.

The prevailing feeling of peace was so sudden and strong that I unintentionally drifted off to sleep; a welcome bliss, given that I have averaged five hours of sleep per day for a couple of weeks. And even more importantly than that, in the course of my mind floating through dreams and wakefulness, I suddenly understood a couple of things which have haunted me for a long time, and I felt hope pierce a blanket of pain which has engulfed my rational thinking and ensnared my every movement. It's been a while since I've had one of these experiences, and... you can't describe that feeling. Some comparisons which begin to describe different aspects of it are: the feeling of kicking off a huge build-up of mud from your shoes, rubbing particles out of your eyes, popping your spine back into place, taking a huge gulp of air after being underwater for a long time, warming your limbs in a hot shower after coming out of a snowstorm, getting a hug when the world seems like it's against you, sitting down to rest after walking all day, sleep-inducing medication taking effect when you're sick, the first rays of sun that you've seen in months... you sort of get the idea.

I still won't say that I'm out of the worst of the storm yet, notwithstanding that peace and confidence I felt. It still pertains to things that leave me ample room to wonder about impossibility, impracticality, and all of those other -ity words that start with "i." To say it shortly, I'm still worried about something in particular, and even trusting in what I came to know will not become easier.

In that light, I came up with that status that sounds suspiciously like the kind that everyone wants you to copy and re-post as your own status, but it was purely my invention. In the past couple of weeks, my first weeks away from home since moving back in with my family last year, it's been a tough paradigm shift in some ways. I mean, suddenly things cost money?! But other than that, there have been a lot of changes taking place, and one of the more welcome ones was that I found myself cut off - for no matter how short a time - from TV, Internet, and video games. It's been peaceful to get away from all of that, for a while.

Then my brother decided to drop off our Nintendo Gamecube at this house; nobody was using it at home, so why not bring it over here? "Well, great, [brother]. I think you've brought [roommate] a lot of joy through our Need for Speed: Underground game. But why did you have to do this?!" I thought to myself. "Here I've been trying to re-break my attachment to these things, and you bring it right back to me?!"

I shouldn't have worried, though. Even though I thought that I might take an opportunity, in light of some spare time, to finally finish "Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow" - which I didn't do before leaving as a missionary for two years - I didn't find myself drawn into the world the same way I had been, before. I noticed that it was like the time when I went back to my family's house, and just for fun fought the final boss on "The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time." This had to have been the fiftieth time that I duelled Ganon for the final fate of Hyrule. Now, at the age of 22, it doesn't have the same significance to my life as it first did when I was about 13, and with trembling hands and quickened pulse I fought for all I was worth to finally rid our land of this behemoth that had afflicted the people for seven years. Back then, it was true magic to defeat the enemy of freedom and peace. Now, it doesn't feel the same... it's just another generic bad guy that I had to defeat to advance to the next stage.

I'm not the same kind of player who once drank in sagas and scenery, who with wide eyes experienced plot twists and new equipment as I gained levels and experience points. Now I'm just a young adult who occasionally avaunts to an imaginary world because it feels good to give my mind a change of pace.

The world that I'm forcing myself to live in is in some ways much bigger.

Hence I said that I had a world much smaller when I flew across galaxies with Jedi, the Mario Brothers, Protoss and Zerg; though I spanned light years of distance between each epic battle or mission of exploration, I would rise up and find myself home again at the end of any one of those adventures. It didn't matter if I was on Tatooine, rescuing Mos Eisley from TIE bombers that morning, or if I inadvertently took a break to blast a few aparoids on Corneria; that evening I would get up, save a game and turn off the power switch. I would walk up the stairs to my room, maybe pause to glance outside at our Sun which sets over our Earth, and I would sleep, often dreaming about those other worlds again, rather than worrying about the world I saw around me. It was so simple back then. A trip across the universe and back could be accomplished in less than an hour. Now, I'm painfully aware of how far away it is to Lethbridge, to say nothing of the distance to Guadalajara or Sevilla or Johannesburg. That world expands every time I let myself love someone who then drifts far away.

Picture by Spire-III @deviantart.com

I also wanted to say that I lived in a world with less darkness when I explored lost tombs filled with mummies; watched unearthly twilight descend over a nation; braved storms conjured by lost spirits; ran from reams of Sith with one Jedi, the only other Force-sensitive person in the solar system; helped the denizens of Dream Land to defeat O, Miracle Matter and O²; and even watched in horror as my evil twin started to become the antithesis of all that I did and stood for. In those days, the dark was nothing more than a flip-side of the coin, with light being on the other side. All I had to do was give it time and the coin would inevitably spin back to where it should have been. These days, it's rarely so simple.

To cast off the enveloping "fog of war" or the suffocating atmosphere of despair takes more than just time. In fact, if left unchecked, those such things decay, corrupt into viler forms, and their canker becomes worse than pox. Trust me to know that, eh; I've been through a few of those tempests. While I know that this will all be for my experience, sometimes the incessant darkness leaves me feeling a little more tired, a little more ready to jump ship from this world when my day comes. Wow, that sounded like it was saying something I didn't mean to say. I mean to say, the more experienced I become with this world down here, the more disenchanted I become with it. Sure, I enjoy a lot of it, and there is a lot of happiness interspersed there... but it definitely keeps me looking forwards to what comes after this.

Hey, at least it doesn't have me looking back, to this world where the greatest opposition I face comes from Space Pirates or wicked witches. At least we can say that I'm burning the bridges behind me and making a break for the other side, rather than trying to retreat into shadows that will too soon be illuminated.

I used to live in a simpler world when I was involved in the tricky business of interpreting visions, defusing land mines, unlocking secrets with the Ice Key, and connecting how the Ellimist was indirectly responsible for the Yeerk invasion. Now the problems are all too real, such as figuring out how I'm going to afford tuition, rent, food, and... how I'm going to be able to launch my "secret plan" as soon as I get the opportunity. These things cost more than just money; they require discipline, careful planning, faith in God, hope, and patience in the extreme. If all I had to do was defuse mines, I would be glad that the great stress I felt would be over as soon as that little explosive was deactivated or marked with a flag. (By the way, I can't immerse myself into Expert Minesweeper anymore either, since I found that your skill will only reveal most of the mines to you - by the end, you usually have to guess if you want to win.)

As for my time and season, it's not so simple anymore. My "exciting plot twists" have real consequences. I can't go back to a different chapter of the book and re-read my favourite part, except in the memories I save in my journal. I can't re-play a level, or skip to different scenes which have already happened, or watch an alternate ending in the special features. Time only flows in one direction for us - trust me, if I had found the Temple of Time or the Rainbow Room or any such device, do you think I would still be here? So, into the night I will go, trusting in the song that Bilbo Baggins once wrote.

"Home is behind, the world ahead

And there are many paths to tread

Through shadow, to the edge of night

Until the stars are all alight

Mist and shadow, cloud and shade

All shall fade, all shall fade."

And last of all for my purposes today, I found that enemies encountered in villains like Smaug, Lord Voldemort, Ganondorf, Darth Sidious, the White Witch and Nazgül were easier to fight than my real dragons ahead of me. You see, each of those villains have a nemesis. There is always a hero or a group of beings equally powerful to balance out the scale between good and evil. When your job as a reader or a player or audience was to see the hero through his or her adventures, then the writer or designer or composer would have almost always made sure it was possible to overcome, no matter how closely you might have had to scrape defeat, or how much you may have been asked to sacrifice. Out here in reality, I won't lie - sometimes the wicked seem happy. Sometimes the innocent suffer and the guilty escape justice. Plainly put, sometimes the bad guys win. While I know that this will not always be the case, even knowing that there will be a day when they all come to eternal justice, I still know... some dragons may as well be invincible, or a part of the scenery that you can't yet access.

Not only does that make things harder, but a good many of these enemies are the kind that you can't destroy on a field of battle. Many of them are the ones that you need to deal with patiently, until you can do like Abraham Lincoln once suggested: "The best way to defeat your enemy is to make him your friend." It's a very hard act to balance, you see. Enemies that may turn out to be good people in disguise, mixed in with the enemies of all righteousness? Yeah, and it doesn't look like this will become simpler anytime soon. Discernment or not, this is harder than that minefield I talked about earlier. And this is a struggle for me, in the middle of a war which may well cost everything.

Yet here I am, in a world that I fought to enter. The story, as anyone familiar with the Bible might remember, is that the struggles began before our life here did. For all of the people who think that Mormons believe weird stuff, I'll have you know that we believe in this same idea, and have a clarified version of the story, thanks to some of the other revelations that we have. So, here is the story, one which I don't say you have to believe, but one which I hope you consider with open mind and open heart. That is, be willing to believe this is true; even if you don't necessarily believe it, be open to the possibility. It seems absurd to so many, and a lot of them ask why we don't have any record or recollection of what I am about to tell you. Why does no one remember this, if this is something that happened to us. Well, to answer that from a logical standpoint, do you remember the day you were born? Or the first two or three years of your life? You don't know what happened, and you have no choice but to either trust or reject the words of people who were there to remember it for you. And beyond that, yes, there is a reason that we don't remember this, one which I will explain as I get to it.

As it happened, we were all alive and well before this world began. We lived, as spirits only, in some kind of world before this one. That was where we lived with God. He called everyone together, one day, in what we call the Great Council in Heaven. He there explained some things to us. First, explaining to us that where we were, in the state that we were, there was no way for us to progress. A disembodied spirit living with their Father can only go so far. (Think of what happens to the teenager who never moves out of his parents' basement.) He told us that He had a plan for us to gain what we needed for us to become better. We would need to have a body, like He does (yep, surprise! He has a body like we do - rather, we have a body, like He does!). And we would need to learn from our own experience to choose between right and wrong.

To do that, we would need to leave from where we were; you don't really learn much when the source of all truth is right there in front of you. We had to leave and learn from the beginning, which is why a world was to be created, and we would need to forget about all that had happened in that life before this one. Then we would go through a "trial period," namely this life. We would prove ourselves as faithful in the Being we couldn't remember seeing, or unwilling to accept what was invisible; obedient to laws that bring lasting happiness, or else more concerned with temporary pleasures; selfless people who considered others first, or seekers of our own glory. If we did wrong - which everyone would at times - then God told us that we would have a Saviour in his Son, Jesus Christ. That is to say, to make up for our shortcomings, if we would trust in and follow Jesus Christ as best we could, then He would make us clean again. The darkness and villains which I've come to know in this life would all be taken care of by Him, if we would do our part and trust Him to do the rest.

To most of us, that sounded like a good plan, something that we were willing to try. But even then, there was one in particular who already proved himself as a seeker of his own glory. You may have heard of him before - his name was Lucifer. Lucifer, though he knew that God the Father had spoken the truth, rebelled against this idea. He said that it couldn't be done, that he had a better plan - he would make himself the ruler over everything, force everyone to do right all the time, and as such, he said that "not one soul should be lost."

Already cunning in those days... his words weren't true, and he knew it. Forcing us all to do anything would teach us nothing. I'm sure a few of us have seen examples of teachers and leaders who mean well - or even those who don't - that try to do things for us, or practically force us do things that we never would from our own free will. What do we learn from that? Very little, if anything. Lucifer knew this principle to be true, but he didn't care. All he wanted was to have all the glory for himself. He blinded himself to the fact that without governing in accordance of eternal, unbreakable laws, he wouldn't have been able to make use of that glory, anyways. Nevertheless, he convinced a lot of people that he was right. He convinced so many that Jesus Christ would not do what God had said He would do, that those people turned and followed Lucifer, arguing that his plan would be the only way. Because of this new division, a war broke out. The infamous "war in heaven" you might have heard about, where "Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." (Revelation 12:7) This war was over one of the only possessions we had - agency, the ability to choose. In turn, this meant we were fighting for the right to progress.

...Ultimately, we were fighting for the chance to come to this earth and suffer so that we could know joy. You probably know how that war turned out, even if you've never once read a prophetic account, or something like Paradise Lost. Lucifer and all of the people who followed him were cast out, and he became the devil, and all his followers became angels of the devil. Now we call him Satan, the Adversary. He's still around, still without a body, still making trouble for us. It's the best he can do, now; he's miserable, so the best thing that he is willing to do in these days is make us as miserable as he is. I'll be honest - that makes life really hard to bear, sometimes. Sometimes, it becomes painful to wake up in the morning... kind of like the last couple of weeks have felt... but the truth that I need to remember is that I volunteered for this. I knew that I would hurt, before this life. I knew that I would have heartbreaks, injuries, sickness, betrayals, loneliness, despair, and so many calamities flitting through my life at various times. And I still rejoiced and said, "Yes! Let me go! Let me do this! This is what I want!"

You see, I know, even though many people would never think that I do, that this life is intended for us to have joy. Joseph Smith once said something that prophets of old (not to mention philosophers and poets and the like) had stated before, though not in these words: "Happiness is the object and design of our existence." Christ has said, himself, "Wherefore, I... have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent."

So... that's true, isn't it?

Then nothing else matters.

I have a bigger world to face than the little ones I used to engulf myself into, a darker one to confront than those imaginary places where the dark didn't actually touch me, a more sinister one than the pseudo-worlds I lived in before. I'm ok with that, though; it will all be worth it someday. With my Lord as my rearguard and my Captain, I will go on.

...Ok, I think I'd better leave this stream of thought for now, and go back to some school work that I would normally find soul-crushing, but I will find easier to bear so long as my Friend, Jesus Christ, goes with me. If anybody wants to come find us, let me know. I may spend more time than I would like in solitary confinement, of a sort, but we're still around.

As I've said before, love and courage, people.

Con cariño y amor hacia a vosotros más especiales,

- TAB III