May 31st, 2020
Sometimes — surprisingly often, really — I'm at a loss for what to say.
The people who know me personally (i.e., virtually nobody who will read this) would be surprised to hear that. I speak and I write extensively, and some would say excessively, in most of my personal and public communication. If I think there's even a chance that sharing my thoughts can improve a person's life, you can bet that I'll share them. If there's opportunity to change hearts and minds, to guide the lost, to comfort the frightened, to soothe the suffering, to encourage the downtrodden, to maintain the happiness of the peaceful, to instruct, to cheer, or even to protect, I will take it.
If I get a thought in my head that may be the difference between someone experiencing misery or joy, you'd better believe I will do what I can to express it.
...
That is, that's normally the case. Sometimes, I just don't know what to say.
This world is noisy. You've probably noticed. And I don't just mean that it's loud; planet Earth, and all its inhabitants, can be eerily quiet sometimes. But this world seems never to stop being noisy.
In saying that, I'm going by the technical, less-common definition of the word "noise:" "Random fluctuations that obscure or do not contain meaningful data or other information." Or in simpler terms, "Stuff that gets in the way of your attention, distracting you from what you try to focus on." Also worth noting is the word's origin: "Middle English (also in the sense ‘quarrelling’): from Old French, from Latin nausea 'seasickness.'"
Heh. Noise and nausea. What's noisy and nauseating is often nasty.
"If There's One Thing I Can't Stand, It's All the Noise, Noise, Noise, Noise!" — The Grinch
When I say that the world is noisy, I mean that it's constantly overloading us with information and demands on our attention... and usually in an unpleasant way. Now, that has always been part of the human condition; we can only take in so much information at once, and only process a single thought at a time. No matter how much we think we notice, or how much we think we know, each one of us is still oblivious to the vast majority of all things.
But I notice it has become exponentially noisier, the more interconnected we become, and the more that people are given access to mass media.
I happen to be just the right age that I have experienced life before a lot of present-day media and technology became commonplace; I remember being a child and doing research without the Internet. I can compare that experience to also being a child who was being instructed on how to use the Internet. I know what it's like to grow to adulthood without carrying a cell phone, let alone a smartphone; and I remember what it was like to be a young adult who had no idea what social media was.
I'm not going to go all the way on this tangent right now; suffice it to say, I'm very aware of the differences that these new "noisemakers" have introduced into our lives. The world, in addition to being brighter and louder, is indeed noisier than ever before.
The reason I have moments when I don't know what to say, is because everyone is so busy being noisy, I don't know what they're prepared or willing to hear. Nor do I know who is listening. And that makes all the difference; I don't speak my thoughts just to arrogantly pretend I'm some kind of genius, nor do I especially like listening to my own voice. No, I write and speak because, as I said, I hope I can heal people, or in some way help them.
"The pen is mightier than the sword," because no sword master in all of history, no matter how skilled, has ever been able to use his sword to heal hearts, or change minds, or repair nations without destroying (or at least threatening to destroy) a few of them first. Yet proper employment of the pen — expressing feelings, ideas, and plans more intricately than any weapon could ever hope to match — has done all of that and more, and has most often done so without inflicting death.
If I have any amount of talent to do the same, honed through education, training, and practice... then I want to do it, whenever and wherever I can. I know I don't have to be out to save the world with every word I ever write. But I do want to give the people of the world little nudges in that direction, improving what I can in whatever sphere of influence I may possess.
*Sigh.* Anyway. That's quite enough about me.
Sufferers Under Siege
It's pretty noisy out there today, just like it is almost every day. I don't say that as a complaint; it's just an observation.
If anyone is curious what stories and issues are filling up my social media right now (not that most people experiencing these things right now would need to wonder very long), let me mention a few:
- The COVID-19 virus is still ravaging certain parts of the world; people are still getting sick and dying, health care workers are exhausted and being denied adequate gear, untold thousands of people are unable to work to support themselves, and certain people (some well-meaning, others just self-absorbed and thoughtless) are aggressively protesting the measures that are intended to combat the disease and save lives.
- A man whose name we had never heard before these past few days, George Floyd, was murdered by police while they restrained him. This was outrageous unto itself, a travesty to his family and to his community. His death then became the rallying cry of protests now taking place all across the United States, demanding that leaders take action to stop rampant police brutality, of which George Floyd was only the most well-known recent victim, and far from the first to suffer this injustice.
- Perhaps all too fitting, these protests against police brutality have sparked more police brutality. I may not be able to make a complete judgement on it, since I'm not there, but... it's almost as though some of those officers are itching for a fight, and will look for any excuse to be domineering or violent, you know? (P.S. If anyone who knows me is reading this, and you're curious as to why I dropped out of military school, and later the cadets program, and why I'm bringing this up right now... take a wild guess at the connection.)
- Perhaps all too fitting, these protests, which are really also against racial discrimination, have sparked more racial discrimination from the usual sources, up to and including government officials. Honestly, need I say more? *Sigh.* I wish that weren't considered so normal.
And that's just on the widespread level. Suppose you take these current events into account alongside things happening in the lives of people I know personally, or at least talk to personally. Without mentioning names or specifics (not that anyone reading this would recognize any of these), consider some of the other issues that have been coming up in my social circles as of late:
- Multiple artists I know have been creating more works, which haven't all been performing as well as hoped, perhaps because large portions of the usual audiences are currently unable to earn money for themselves, and thus can't pay artists at the moment; or said audience members are right now preoccupied with infectious diseases and fear of being physically attacked. (I don't mean to blame or accuse anyone; these situations are no fault of the artists or their audiences, anymore than a freak hailstorm is the fault of the farmers whose crops are destroyed by the ice.)
- Parents who spontaneously needed to become home-school teachers in these past months are now at their wits' end, and are slowly losing their hope and their sanity.
- It turns out, I live in the same house as more racists than I cared to acknowledge. (One is already too many.)
- Certain long-time life partners are dealing with strife, they may be in the process of splitting up, and it feels like there is nothing I can do to affect it.
- People I know and care about are being hospitalized not because of infection of the current pandemic, but for injuries, chronic conditions, and other things that may in fact be much worse than mutated influenza.
That sort of thing. And that's just the bad news, and only the bad news that has been occurring very recently.
The thing is, it never stops. It's always like this.
Can't Hear Myself Think, or Don't Want to?
Back when I was actually using Facebook, this dilemma occurred often. Sometimes I wanted to share personal and valuable things, like instructions on how to help a friend contemplating suicide. (Let's just say I have more experience than I would like to explain.) Sometimes I wanted only to post a lighthearted thought about a beautiful sunset I witnessed, or share a picture of some flower blossoms that had warmed my heart. Maybe I wanted to share a joke, or play a storytelling game. But every time... nearly every time, it felt callous and ignorant of me to share lighthearted and happy things.
"Who's on fire this week?" I could ask. "Ft. McMurray is done burning; people are going home. All the best to them. How's California? Still on fire? But under control? OK, good. Keep me posted, you guys. What about B.C.? Fires are low, but the smoke is a health risk. Ah, ok. I hope they take care. And Australia's on fire now, too? I'd better check on my Aussie friends. Man. We need to put these fires out..."
"...because, it turns out... there's been another earthquake near Mexico, and it also caused a tsunami in Cuba. Is there anyone I know currently living in Cuba whom I should call? I think... none at the moment; let's just focus on mis amigos mexicanos. You say you're safe? Still, let's see if I can afford to donate to those charities that help to—"
"Umm, hang on a moment. Some of my American friends live in that town where there's been another mass shooting. Let me see if everyone's alright, first..."
"...Well, yes, I hear you too; of course I care that people living on the reservation are drinking contaminated water right now! But unless you can set me up with a job working on their water system, all I can give you is a mere $10. Sorry I can't do more."
"...Yes, I know. Just about every nation in Africa faces that same problem with drinking water. I can donate once, but I can't afford a repeating monthly donation right now; I'm sorry. And yes, I'll tell other people to contribute. I'm sure they won't resent me asking for their money again, just two weeks after the last time I shared a post asking to crowd-fund an expensive surgery that a family couldn't afford on their own. *Sigh.* I'm... trying..."
...
And this is on a good day, when I'm healthy, and not dealing with severe depressive episodes. If anyone reading this has read other posts on this blog, I think I've talked more than enough about what that's like.
This world is noisy. Confusing. Chaotic. A bedlam, if you find archaic words fun.
When the world is noisy, and I only want to make it a little more peaceful... but I have to choose my words carefully, or else I'm just adding more noise...
...these are the times when I don't know what to say.
A Small Invocation
...You're suffering, and I'm sorry. Most of you need help, and I'm not in a position to give it to most of you. For that I'm also sorry. Out there, you're dealing with heartbreak, fear, pain, anger, despair, and all manner of suffering.
I'm not close or conveniently placed enough to be a helping hand, or listening ear, or benefactor, or even a human shield for most of you. I'm just an unheard, largely unwanted voice, hidden on the other side of a screen. And now I'm even a silenced voice, because I don't know what to say.
...
If nobody minds (heh, why would you?), I need to go and think about this. I'm going to publish this, and at least go through the motions of writing "to an audience." I'll finish this up soon; I'll add some nice pictures, actually do some editing, and write a conclusion — hopefully in this coming morning, with something more hopeful to say. For now, I need to rest, drink some water, and calculate my next heading. Thus, this is all for now.
Peace I leave with you, which is not dependent on your outside circumstances. No matter what you are suffering, may you have peace.
'Til soon,
- TAB III
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